June 5, 2012

He never saw me that day at the pool. Ken. I think if I were to be completely honest, there was a part of me that wanted him to, and there was a part that didn’t. Especially not when I ended up going head first into the 5 foot “deep” section of the pool, accidentally tripping on a child’s arm floaty.

No, it was the lanky lifeguard on duty who caught my clumsy plunge–all through his pubescent periphery, and as if I were a distaction to him, he briefly looked up from his texting just to give me the patronizing, “Are you okay, Miss?”

Obviously, he thought so! I didn’t see him jumping into the pool to save my life from drowning. And, I was drowning. In embarrassment. Feeling ridiculous and silly for losing my footing and composure right in front of the guy of my dreams. But, I really was fine. No need of being rescued. Not here. Not me! At least that is what my bruised pride would say. So, I spluttered out a mouthful of water along with “I’m fine.” And, I wiped my eyes, and hastily padded the water until I found myself clinging to the side of the pool. (Why I just didn’t walk over to the edge, I don’t know, as I could touch the bottom. (Funny, since I’m making this up as I go…).

In any case, from there, at that station against the pool wall, I became a black and purple polka-dotted water flower. Within seconds, I realized I was dismissed and forgotten by the lifeguard, and I was never even seen by the guy I thought would be my water prince.

That’s when it hit me…

Ken is blind!

He had to be!

Okay, maybe not a literal blind. But, the kind of blind that seems sadder because nothing about me caught his attention. And, as a result, I knew that I could leave no impression on his mind, let alone his heart. I simply wasn’t seen.

I guess sometimes we expect our knights in shining armor, when they finally come on the scene, to be alert and ready to see and notice us and rescue us. But, my dream knight never saw me that day, and although at first I found it to be relief because he never saw my literal belly flop, I realized that a part of me was disappointed that he never saw it, because it meant, he never saw me.

That’s the thing about us girls. We want to be seen. Maybe not necessarily in our worst state. But, if we were to be extremely honest, we’d admit that sometimes, we really want to be seen there, as well, so we can be covered. LOVED.

As women, even though we try to hide ourselves when we fail, when we are feeling weak, we somehow have a heart cry deep within us to have someone see us wherever we are and accept us in that moment. For all purposes, I call that a COVERING.

As I let the water of the pool quiet me for a second, I found myself realizing something deeper. That is what Jesus did for me on the cross. He covered me. He saw me all vunerable and incapable in my weakest, most vulnerable state, and he chose to rescue me. He chose to give His life to cover me. I realized He is my rescuer.

And, amazing as that is, that is what God has called my future knight to be like, a man who can see and cover as Jesus sees and covers. Such a man, I now realize will be rare. As he will have to have new eyes in his heart. Grace eyes. TRUE LOVE eyes.

Therefore, I realize we girls would do well to quit trying to capture the eyes of all the blind Kens in the world. They won’t see us until they can truly see in their hearts. And, nothing any of us tries to do to get their attention will work. Only God can open the eyes of another’s heart. And, each of us really only wants the one whom God has awakened specifically and specially for us, anyway. It’s only God who will give each of our rightful men the anointing to cover and love as Jesus does. It’s only God who can give eyes in the heart.

So, what is our part? As women, we should quit trying to cover ourselves in our own weakness because what usually happens then is that we just put up excess insulation and walls of pride, so we won’t be seen, which is counter-productive, because the truth is we really want to be seen! Even in our messes! We just want to be seen and covered. Instead, we need to lean in to the One who gave His life to do just that. And, we can rest in His covering over our lives. He sees us and loves us wherever we are.

So, going back to the story… I move away from the pool wall, confident again in finding my steps. Secure, I get out of the pool and rest in the sun, no need now to run and hide from Ken’s eyes. If he sees me, he sees me. If he doesn’t he doesn’t. I’m secure.

After all…

I’mworththecost…ofhiscovering.